At The Opera
by Rainsong
Summary: Hilarity ensues when Lily invites James and his friends to the opera. MWPP/L, with crazed theatre employees thrown in for good measure. *Chapter 7 Uploaded*
1. Overture

At The Opera  
by Rainsong  
  
A/N: Yet another fanfic..I've been feeling extremely uninspired lately in both MWPP and post-Azkaban Sirius fanfiction. Luckily, I got a call from a friend the other day, and she brought up the paper we had to write last year on 'The Magic Flute', which is an opera, in case you don't know. I felt a lightbulb go off in my head, and, after saying 'sorryIgottagonowfictiontowritebye' I crafted the idea for this little vignette-ish story.  
So this is more or less a dialogue composition, working with voices. As always, quotes stolen from Buffy, Red Dwarf, SNL, my friends, Frasier, etc. I try to be creative, I really do.  
  
Enjoy, and, as always, read and review!  
~~~~~~  
  
PETER: How long does it take for the play to start?  
  
LILY: Not long. And its not really a play, its an opera.  
  
SIRIUS: Is that bloke with the snack tray going to come by again?   
  
LILY: Sirius, you think about food more than people give you credit for.  
  
SIRIUS: Well, your family didn't get us a private box for nothing, did they? We're supposed to get service from the funny little man in the cheesy suit.  
  
JAMES: Please don't talk about cheese.  
  
SIRIUS: Why?  
  
JAMES: I'm hungry, too.   
  
SIRIUS: Then obviously it's settled. Lets flag him down.  
  
REMUS: He won't see you if his back is turned, Padfoot. You can stop waving now.  
  
LILY: Yes, please stop. People are staring.  
  
JAMES: Don't they always when we take Sirius out in public?  
  
LILY: That's different. My family might be aquainted with these people.  
  
SIRIUS: So what? They don't know us, so its not like I'm giving anyone a bad name here.  
  
LILY: Just me.  
  
SIRIUS: Its always about you, isn't it?  
  
REMUS: Sirius, you really have a way with twisting words.  
  
LILY: He only does it because it works to his advantage to ignore the voice of reason.  
  
JAMES: Thus, we discover Padfoot's life mission. To annoy.  
  
LILY: I'd rather have him miss the point because he's stupid, instead of annoying.  
  
REMUS: Be careful what you wish for.  
  
SIRIUS: Ahem!  
  
JAMES: Yes, Padfoot?  
  
SIRIUS: I've been forgotten.  
  
LILY: (in mock horror) Never!  
  
REMUS: We didn't forget you. You just didn't say anything.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe I would have if you all hadn't been so dilligently discussing my intelligence.   
  
JAMES: Or lack thereof.  
  
SIRIUS: Stuff it, Prongs.  
  
PETER: Is that the snack man walking this way?  
  
REMUS: Nice diversionary tactics, Wormtail.  
  
PETER: No, really. I think thats him.  
  
LILY: Good. Maybe if James and Sirius have food in their mouths, they'll shut up.  
  
JAMES: Not likely. It isn't the snack man.  
  
SIRIUS: Another usher.  
  
PETER: Maybe snack men should have special uniforms.  
  
SIRIUS: Thats a thought...  
  
LILY: Maybe they could even have a badge that read "Serving Sirius Since 1960"  
  
SIRIUS: I should drop that in the suggestion box.  
  
LILY: I hope you knew I was kidding.  
  
SIRIUS: I did. It could have been taken two ways. One, I was being sarcastic, or Two, I was trying out stupidity, as you wished.  
  
REMUS: Told you so.  
  
JAMES: I think the lights are dimming.  
  
PETER: The only thing dimming is Sirius' mind.  
  
SIRIUS: Wormtail, I'm shocked. You're siding with them?  
  
REMUS: We've chosen sides?  
  
SIRIUS: Yes. And be wary of your decision; we're in a balcony, and I might just lash out violently.  
  
JAMES: You're right. It's a long way down.  
  
REMUS: Five floors, I believe.  
  
SIRIUS: Thanks for your assessment, Professor.  
  
REMUS: I thought I'd be helping your cause.   
  
LILY: I think Peter was right. The lights are dimming. That's your cue to shut up and watch the opera.  
  
JAMES: Impossible. We're all still waiting for the snack man.  
  
SIRIUS: Exactly. I'm sitting here, parched and deprived, because some idiot can't find his way to our box. Furthermore, I'm surrounded by lunatics. 'Cept for you, Prongs. You understand me.  
  
JAMES: Thanks, Sirius. Maybe we can both tackle the snack man.   
  
REMUS: It's dark now. He probably won't be by again.  
  
SIRIUS: Rain on my parade, Moony?  
  
REMUS: Yes, Sirius, I am your personal downpour.  
  
SIRIUS: Lily, since you're the only other intellectual here, reason with Moony.  
  
LILY: I refuse to.  
  
SIRIUS: Why? What have I done to you?  
  
LILY: Let me count the ways..  
  
SIRIUS: Come off it. If you want us to behave, you have to chip in, also.  
  
LILY: Remus has done nothing wrong. I agree with him entirely.  
  
REMUS: Thank you.  
  
LILY: Anytime. As for Sirius and James, you both need....sedatives or something!  
  
JAMES: Actually, I think food would do the trick.  
  
SIRIUS: Yeah. See, what we don't have in our stomachs, our bodies make up for with pointless conversation.  
  
PETER: (in a small voice) Can we all stop arguing?  
  
REMUS: Now look what you two have done! You've scared Peter.  
  
PETER: I'm not scared. Just worried. It bothers me when you all fight.  
  
JAMES: Can't see how it could. We always do.  
  
SIRIUS: Yeah, Pete, and its not like we mean anything by it.  
  
LILY: You must admit, thats not always the way it sounds.  
  
SIRIUS: Fine then. You and Wormtail can start your own Society of the Deluded, and talk about what happened in your childhoods to give you the predisposition to think that everything is negative.  
  
JAMES: Right. Wow, this puts a lot into perspective. Think of all of the times we've punched each other, Padfoot. And Pete and Lily might have thought we were actually fighting.  
  
LILY: Oh, stop it. I simply said that you take it to far sometimes. I know you're best friends.  
  
JAMES: Then what's irking you, Peter?  
  
PETER: Nothing.  
  
SIRIUS: Obviously something is.  
  
PETER: No, I don't think so.  
  
REMUS: Alright, stop with the third degree. Pete says nothing is wrong.  
  
LILY: That was noble, Remus.  
  
REMUS: What?  
  
LILY: Ending that argument.   
  
SIRIUS: What was so special about that? Moony always ends arguments.  
  
JAMES: He's a peacemaker.  
  
LILY: But he sounds so amazingly sexy when he does.  
  
JAMES: *chokes*  
  
REMUS: Lily, you're a great friend and all but I-  
  
*Lily jabs Remus in the ribs, giving him a meaningful look*  
  
REMUS: -always wanted to take our relationship to the next level.  
  
LILY: Excellent. We're obviously meant to be together.  
  
REMUS: It must be love.  
  
SIRIUS: James, resist. They're trying to provoke you.  
  
LILY: So, Remus, how about Honeydukes at nine o'clock next Saturday?  
  
JAMES: Gah! I give up!   
  
SIRIUS: No!  
  
JAMES: Lily, I'm sorry. Remus, I'm sorry. I've been quarreling childishly.  
  
LILY: Thank you. And thank you, Remus, for playing along.  
  
REMUS: No problem. It was quite effective.  
  
SIRIUS: That was unfair. Toying with emotions..how dishonorable.  
  
LILY: James, do you feel the same way?  
  
JAMES: No. Of course not.  
  
SIRIUS: Prongs, you're a lovesick moron.  
  
JAMES: I know. And I'm also a hungry moron. Wait-  
  
SIRIUS: They say the first step is realizing you have a problem.   
  
SNACK MAN: Comestibles?  
  
JAMES: Does that mean food?  
  
SNACK MAN: Obviously.   
  
SIRIUS: Excellent! Can you just leave the plate here?  
  
SNACK MAN: I really don't think-  
  
*Sirius grabs the tray from Snack Man*  
  
SIRIUS: Thanks, mate.   
  
SNACK MAN: *mumbles about rudeness and low salaries as he walks away*  
  
JAMES: Is that some sort of sea creature?  
  
SIRIUS: Don't know. Tastes okay, though.  
  
JAMES: Oh, look. Celery!  
  
SIRIUS: James is eating deer food again.  
  
REMUS: Maybe its a perk. Vegetables are healthy.  
  
SIRIUS: Can it, Professor, and let me eat my unidentifiable sea creature in peace.  
  
LILY: Are those strawberries?  
  
SIRIUS: Yes and no. Yes because technically, they are strawberries. No because you've been very cruel to me, Lils.  
  
LILY: Please? I really love strawberries.  
  
SIRIUS: I'll have to mull that over.  
  
LILY: Sirius, I love you.   
  
SIRIUS: Aw, I love you too, Lil. Fine, take a strawberry.  
  
LILY: Thanks.  
  
SIRIUS: James, you've chosen a manipulative one.   
  
JAMES: Sod off.  
  
LILY: Yes, Sirius, do sod off.  
  
REMUS: The treacle tarts are good.  
  
SIRIUS: I was just about to try one of those.   
  
PETER: Can I have a strawberry, too?  
  
SIRIUS: That depends. Do you love me?  
  
PETER: If its for a strawberry, then yes.  
  
SIRIUS: Fine. I have no time to argue about the authenticity of that statement. Take one, Wormtail.  
  
PETER: Thanks.  
  
REMUS: Snape is allergic to strawberries.  
  
SIRIUS and JAMES: Really??  
  
JAMES: How long have you been holding out on us, Remus?  
  
REMUS: Well, I found out the day before we left for Winter holiday, so I suppose three days. It would have been of no use to you, anway. Not until term starts again.  
  
JAMES: Think of the possibilities.  
  
SIRIUS: So what happens to him when he eats a strawberry?  
  
REMUS: From what I heard, he breaks out into hives and his throat constricts.  
  
LILY: That could kill him!  
  
JAMES: Point being..?  
  
PETER: If we tried to kill Snape, we'd get into a lot of trouble.  
  
SIRIUS: Speak for yourself. I've already tried, and I didn't get into huge trouble.  
  
JAMES: Yes, you did. Dumbledore had you in his office for what seemed like forever. He did the same to Snape, but I suppose that was for other reasons.  
  
SIRIUS: I suppose. A couple hundred points from Gryffindor was a lot to lose for not even succeeding.  
  
LILY: Its lucky you didn't. You'd be expelled, arrested maybe.  
  
REMUS: Lily's right. It was a stupid thing to do.  
  
JAMES: Yeah, really.  
  
*Awkward silence*  
  
PETER: There's another treacle tart, if anyone wants it.  
  
JAMES: Nah.  
  
REMUS: No thanks, Pete.  
  
LILY: No, thank you.  
  
PETER: Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: *silence*  
  
JAMES: Don't worry, he'll get over it.  
  
REMUS: Sorry for bringing it up, Sirius. What'd he say that was bad enough to provoke you like that?  
  
SIRIUS: I'd rather not repeat it.  
  
REMUS: Oh, all right. It was that bad?  
  
SIRIUS: That bad.  
  
REMUS: I understand. Just tune him out.  
  
SIRIUS: Easier said than done.  
  
JAMES: Not to play guessing games, but what Snape said.. Was it about any of us?  
  
SIRIUS: Yes.  
  
JAMES: Was it a threat?  
  
SIRIUS: Not really.  
  
JAMES: Well, thanks I guess.  
  
SIRIUS: What for? Almost getting us all in deep trouble?  
  
JAMES: No, for caring about your friends that much where you try to defend our honor, even if you carry it out with horribly bad judgement.  
  
SIRIUS: Should I say 'thank you' or 'you're welcome' to that?  
  
JAMES: Pick one, Padfoot. Either works.  
  
SIRIUS: All right. Thank you and you're welcome.  
  
REMUS: See what I mean? Instructions are meaningless to Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: Yet I seemed to do alright becoming an Animagus.  
  
REMUS: Good point.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe you could be an Animagus, too, Lily.  
  
LILY: I don't care if you did it. What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Becoming an unregistered Animagus is outlawed.  
  
SIRIUS: But it _is_ possible. I did it.  
  
REMUS:Possible but highly dangerous. The side effects might have been devastating. Padfoot, you could have been reduced to a gibbering simpleton.  
  
LILY: Reduced?  
  
SIRIUS: That was cold.  
  
JAMES: But very well delivered.  
  
SIRIUS: Argh!  
  
LILY: I really think the opera should be starting soon.  
  
SIRIUS: What is this one called? And if the title is in another language, don't bother.  
  
LILY: No idea.   
  
SIRIUS: Sounds promising already.  
  
LILY: Oh, look! The curtains are being raised! This is it. Now shut up!  
  
~~~~  
  
Part One: Overture is complete! Please review! Part Two will be up soon, since I'm really enjoying writing this. 


	2. Act One

At The Opera  
by Rainsong  
  
  
A/N: Act One (second chapter) finally here! I really enjoyed writing this chapter, too. I guess its just a really fun format to use. Anyway, ff.n is back up, so expect a little more work from me in the next week, since I wrote a lot during the down period. Thanks to those who reviewed: Emily, Crystalite 104, and Canadianna.   
  
~~~~  
Act One  
~~~~  
  
  
SIRIUS: Is it supposed to do that?  
  
LILY: Yes, Sirius, they're just moving the curtains back.  
  
REMUS: And you have no idea what language this is in, Lily?  
  
LILY: Not a clue.   
  
JAMES: I wonder if this place is empty on weekdays.  
  
SIRIUS: And why do you wonder that, Prongs?  
  
JAMES: It looks like it would be an interesting place to fly.  
  
LILY: The security guards would probably catch you.  
  
JAMES: Or, more likely, think they're drunk and go home totally bewildered.  
  
REMUS: The architecture here is stunning, though. I can't imagine painting all of those designs on the ceiling without magic.  
  
SIRIUS: I'd look, but its dark, and I doubt we can see the admirable ceiling anymore.  
  
PETER: The music is starting.  
  
JAMES: Sounds German.  
  
SIRIUS: Nah. French.  
  
JAMES: Do we have a bet?  
  
SIRIUS: Fine. A Sickle.  
  
JAMES: Thats it?  
  
SIRIUS: Its all I have, currently.  
  
JAMES: What'd you do with the rest of your money?  
  
SIRIUS: *snickers*  
  
JAMES: I no longer want to know.  
  
SIRIUS: Be that way. Its your loss.  
  
PETER: Actually, it's yours, Sirius. You spent the money.  
  
SIRIUS: But, my dear Wormtail, I gained something. Something that James can no longer benefit from because he doesn't trust me.  
  
PETER: We ran out of snacks.  
  
SIRIUS: Yeah, I noticed that. Lily, do we get refills here?  
  
LILY: If you want, I suppose. But I wouldn't use the term 'refill'. This is a opera house, not a cinema.  
  
*Blank stares*  
  
LILY: Nevermind..  
  
REMUS: But if you're looking for the snack man, you definitely won't see him again.  
  
SIRIUS: Can it, Remington, you're discouraging me.  
  
JAMES: Remington?   
  
SIRIUS: Creative, isn't it?  
  
REMUS: More like a product of incurable boredom.  
  
SIRIUS: Actually, I only thought of it a moment ago, and I wasn't really bored at all.  
  
REMUS: Either way, its pathetic.  
  
SIRIUS: Are you asking for a different nickname, Remington?  
  
PETER: I would stop talking right about now, Remus.  
  
LILY: The opera has begun, if anyone cares to notice.  
  
JAMES: I noticed that it's in German. Pay up, Padfoot.  
  
SIRIUS: Fine, fine..  
  
REMUS: Don't spend it all in one place, James.  
  
JAMES: Don't worry, I'm quite the investor.  
  
LILY: Isn't there some sort of universal ettique that says "Shut up during musical productions?"   
  
REMUS: Not really, especially since we're dealing with Sirius and James. 'Universal' is a foreign concept. Its always about them.  
  
LILY: Well, when you come up with some fabulously cliche life drama that shortens your view of the world, owl them and you can join the club, Remus.  
  
JAMES: Since when are Sirius and I absorbed in our own life dramas?  
  
SIRIUS: Especially when I doubt we have any..  
  
LILY: Does the term 'egomaniacs' register with either of you?  
  
SIRIUS: Nah. We just recognize how *special* we are.  
  
LILY: Every time I try to say something...  
  
JAMES: What is that?  
  
REMUS: What's what?  
  
JAMES: On stage, currently. Male or female?  
  
SIRIUS: You know, you're right. It is sort of androgynous.  
  
PETER: But guys, its wearing a leotard.  
  
SIRIUS: But Peter, it also has facial hair that surpasses that of all the creepy aunts in the world.  
  
REMUS: Well, it appears as though that..person sort of..erm...'bulges' in the chest area.  
  
JAMES: That not the only place it bulges.  
  
REMUS: Oh yeah..  
  
LILY: Well, at least you're all paying attention to the opera.  
  
PETER: Maybe we can stay behind after the show to get a better look.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe we can ask!  
  
REMUS: That'd be rude.  
  
LILY: Has rudeness ever stopped Padfoot before?  
  
JAMES: No, but only because he views it from his own self-centered perspective. As long as he never sees this individual again, it doesn't matter what he says or does.  
  
SIRIUS: True. And I'm sure that particular individual gets it all the time.  
  
LILY: Thats really not funny, to purposely make fun of someone.  
  
JAMES: Unless you throw in some Yiddish words. That technique makes practically anything funny.  
  
REMUS: Hang on, what's going on now? How did we move from a German thing in a leotard to yodellers on a mountain?  
  
PETER: Don't know, but the props are sort of neat. Thats quite a cardboard mountain.  
  
LILY: I think its supposed to be Everest.  
  
JAMES: How do you figure that?  
  
LILY: I caught something that sounded remotely like 'Everest' in the jumble of German.  
  
JAMES: All right, so we've determined so far that this is a German opera about climbing Mt. Everest.  
  
PETER: Not very many people have climbed Everest, have they?  
  
REMUS: No, I don't believe so, though quite a few Muggles have died trying. I wonder if any witches or wizards have climbed to the top?  
  
LILY: If they have, its not much of a feat, is it? They'd use magic.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe I can be the first wizard to climb Everest.   
  
PETER: Thats a lofty goal.  
  
JAMES: You wouldn't get much recognition, either, since people have done it before without things like air, or warmth, or shelter..  
  
SIRIUS: Sure, a bunch of people have climbed Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen, but I bet hardly anyone has done it without pants.  
  
LILY: And won't we all be proud to say we know the moron who accomplished that?  
  
SIRIUS: I would hope that you would be, especially if everything is intact afterwards.  
  
REMUS: Can we not take this conversation any futher?  
  
JAMES: Excellent idea, Moony.  
  
SIRIUS: Fine, no one shares my vision. Then obviously I have a very unique hobby.  
  
JAMES: There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."  
  
SIRIUS: Shut up, Prongs.  
  
PETER: I don't know about anyone else, but I'm getting really hungry again.  
  
REMUS: Like I said, can we all drop the idea about ever getting food again? Its dark, and the Flight of the Snack Man has officially ended. Even if he is still on duty, I doubt he'd come back to our box, what with Padfoot here and all.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe he couldn't help being seduced by my charms, and he's in a bathroom somewhere trying to collect himself with the help of some trusty Dippity-Do.  
  
LILY: Pardon my intrusion, but where have you heard of Dippity Do, Sirius? Its a strictly Muggle thing.  
  
SIRIUS: I saw some poor old bloke in the lobby sneaking a glob while his date's back was turned. Honestly, not even in the wizarding world do we have hair gel that strong.  
  
JAMES: Are you thinking about ever buying some?  
  
SIRIUS: Well, come to think of it..  
  
REMUS: Wouldn't your other hair products be jealous?  
  
SIRIUS: I don't have hair products!  
  
REMUS: Oh, right. So then whats been clogging the bathroom sink?  
  
SIRIUS: *snickers*  
  
JAMES: Alright, the whole conspiratorial laughter thing is getting very, very creepy.  
  
SIRIUS: Fear my illicit actions, Prongs?  
  
JAMES: Trembling, Padfoot.  
  
SIRIUS: If you want to talk hair products, you should have taken Snape to this opera thing instead of me.  
  
JAMES: Good point. Either he uses way too much of them, or way too little.  
  
SIRIUS: I'm going to bet that the greasiness is au natural, but what do I know about Slytherin fashion? It could be on the dungeon runways.  
  
JAMES: We should chop off a lock for experimentation!  
  
SIRIUS: Right! And if it spontaneously combusts..  
  
JAMES: We'll know whether or not he uses hair products..  
  
SIRIUS: And the Great Joke of the Universe shall be discovered!  
  
LILY: AGH!! Shut up, both of you!  
  
JAMES: Sorry, Lily, were we babbling?  
  
LILY: Oh, maybe a little bit!  
  
SIRIUS: No need to get sarcastic.   
  
SNACK MAN: Anything off the tray?  
  
SIRIUS: Ha! Victory is mine, Remington!  
  
REMUS: I hardly call that a victory..  
  
SIRIUS: O Glorious Snack Man, may we keep the whole tray?  
  
SNACK MAN: I suppose, as long as you don't advertise it to the other guests.  
  
SIRIUS: Thanks. What are those?  
  
SNACK MAN: A seafood delicacy.  
  
JAMES: That translates into "If I tell you, you'll have no apetite for the next three weeks."  
  
SNACK MAN: More or less.  
  
SIRIUS: Snack Man, do they pay you well for this honorable service?  
  
SNACK MAN: I should say not! This is only a cut above minimum wage; if my wife didn't have such excellent employment, I'd be on the dole by now.  
  
SIRIUS: Can we write you a recommendation for higher salary?  
  
SNACK MAN: Wh-Why of course! That'd be wonderful!   
  
JAMES: In turn, will you bring us snacks every 43 minutes?  
  
SNACK MAN: Yes, yes, of course!  
  
SIRIUS: Thanks, mate!  
  
*SNACK MAN exits*  
  
REMUS: Are you really going to write him a recommendation?  
  
SIRIUS: Yeah, I have a Quick Quotes Quill with me that I can spew out some compliments for Snack Man.  
  
LILY: And why 43 minutes, James?  
  
JAMES: I reckon it'll give him something to do. He has to time it exactly. 45 minutes is unacceptable.  
  
PETER: I think the mountain climbers are dying of hypothermia.  
  
JAMES: So it appears. I like the way that one guy is painted purple and blue. Its sort of festive.  
  
SIRIUS: Though I don't know why he's clutching his throat. Did he choke on something in an attempt to become cannabalistic to survive?  
  
REMUS: I don't think so, since all of the climbers are still there.  
  
LILY: Actually, one of them fell down right before they started to climb. But I don't think they ate him.  
  
REMUS: This opera is really dragging on.  
  
LILY: I have to agree. I didn't expect it to be some educational experience, but the lack of plot is really taxing on my nerves.  
  
JAMES: Well, it is in German. Maybe the language barrier takes away from the plot elements a bit.  
  
LILY: Possibly. But really, who writes an opera about mountain climbing?  
  
SIRIUS: Germans.  
  
JAMES: In the northernmost part of Germany.  
  
LILY: Alright, lets end this possibly mindless conversation now, shall we?  
  
JAMES: Certainly. Hey, Wormtail. Haven't heard anything out of you in awhile. What're you doing?  
  
PETER: Dis 'ood is stuck 'o 'a 'oof 'o me 'outh.  
  
REMUS: Didn't quite catch that.  
  
SIRIUS: The food is stuck to the roof of his mouth.  
  
REMUS: Oh..what'd you eat, Peter?  
  
PETER: Da wi'll sea'ood ting.  
  
REMUS: Sirius? Translation, please?  
  
SIRIUS: The little seafood thing.  
  
JAMES: I thought they looked a little overly gooey.  
  
SIRIUS: When the Snack Man returns, we'll ask for a glass of water.  
  
PETER: But dats in four-free minoots.  
  
SIRIUS: If you don't feel like waiting, squirt some water into your mouth with your wand.  
  
PETER: Ugh! Siwius!  
  
REMUS: He can't pronounce words when his mouth is glued like that, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, right..  
  
REMUS: Here, Peter.   
  
PETER: Much better, thanks Remus. I didn't remember that spell, anyway.  
  
JAMES: Is it over?  
  
LILY: I don't think so..  
  
REMUS: Its just a brief interlude while they sort out the set for the second act.  
  
JAMES: How many different sets can they have for an opera that takes place on top of a mountain?  
  
SIRIUS: Let us hope that question is never answered.  
  
  
  
~~~~~  
Act II coming soon! Please Review! 


	3. Interlude

At the Opera  
by Rainsong  
  
A/N: Back from vacation! Sorry for the long wait for a new chapter, and thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!! By the way, quotes have been stolen from pretty much everywhere. Hope that doesn't make me less-than-creative or anything. And "Mr. Stealthy Pants" belongs to an episode of Buffy. See how delusional I get while waiting for a new season? Especially one in which Spike has a soul.. I'm rambling. Anywho, enjoy the story!  
  
  
~~~~~  
Interlude  
~~~~~  
  
LILY: Hmm.. looks like it might be awhile until they have everything sorted out.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe they'll get on with the actual story line, if such a thing exists.  
  
LILY: In the meantime, we could go visit my grandfather. He's got a box just over to the left.  
  
REMUS: The last time we attempted to have a five-minute conversation with your grandfather, we ended up listening to his stories of "life on the sea" for the remainder of the day.  
  
LILY: Well, it was a nice thing to do for him. No one will listen to his stories anymore.  
  
SIRIUS: Gee, I wonder why..  
  
JAMES: No offense, Lily, but three hours of bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils out of biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of entertainment.  
  
LILY: *sighs* I suppose you're right.   
  
SIRIUS: Snack Man should be returning soon.   
  
REMUS: Give the poor guy a break. He's still got 17 minutes.  
  
PETER: I agree with Sirius, food wouldn't be too bad right now.  
  
JAMES: Then why don't you whip something up yourself?  
  
LILY: No, you can't! Muggles everywhere, remember?  
  
JAMES: He could be stealthy about it...  
  
LILY: Oh really? As you always are?  
  
JAMES: Well, I wouldn't call it something I pride myself at, but you have to have a bit of skill to pull off the kind of stuff we do back at school.  
  
LILY: Fine, Mr. Stealthy Pants, lets see you 'whip up' some food.  
  
SIRIUS: Mr. Stealthy Pants..that one's gonna come back to haunt you, Prongs.  
  
JAMES: *weakly* It is?  
  
SIRIUS: Big time. But don't blame me, blame Lily, at least for now. After you hear all of the ways the phrase "stealthy pants" can be twisted, then you can blame me.  
  
JAMES: Now look what you've done! He'll be harassing me for the remainder of the year.  
  
REMUS: Or your lifetime, give or take a few decades.  
  
LILY: Don't blame me! He could have ignored that one!  
  
JAMES: Sirius can't ignore anything! His mind is just programmed that way.  
  
LILY: You know perfectly well that he can tune things out as well as the next person. He prefers to annoy people.  
  
JAMES: Well, what if he enjoys annoying people so much that it slowly becomes a programmed mental disorder? Irreversible and such.  
  
LILY: You're beating a dead horse, James. Face it, he just likes annoying you.  
  
JAMES: You're probably right. But we can't change him. We might as well stop saying anything that we know will be turned against us.  
  
LILY: No. I refuse to stop speaking because Sirius can't control himself.  
  
JAMES: Thats not what I said.  
  
LILY: Thats what it boils down to.  
  
JAMES: Does not.  
  
LILY: Does too.  
  
SIRIUS: Now, children...  
  
LILY and JAMES: Shut up!  
  
PETER: Hey, would you look at that! The opera's starting up again.  
  
REMUS: Actually, I'd rather sit here and listen to Lily and James argue about Sirius'  
brain waves than return to that monotony.  
  
JAMES: It wasn't an argument.  
  
LILY: It was an exchange.  
  
JAMES: Exactly.  
  
REMUS: Sorry. But I do agree with Lily. Sirius, why can't you leave things in context?  
  
SIRIUS: Context? I laugh in the face of context!  
  
REMUS: Don't we know it...  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, like you don't?  
  
REMUS: My life has been one long descent into respectability. First there was the whole "top of the class" thing. And now I'm a prefect. So in answer to your question, no, Padfoot. Lately I have found myself taking things out of context less and less.  
  
SIRIUS: You mean..you're losing your edge?  
  
REMUS: My out-of-contexty one, yes.  
  
SIRIUS: I didn't think I'd see this day.  
  
REMUS: I'm still a Marauder, you know.  
  
SIRIUS: That's debatable  
  
LILY: You boys don't take your silly little secret club lightly enough.  
  
JAMES: Its not a secret club. There's no club in the first place.  
  
PETER: Yeah, we're just a group of friends.  
  
SIRIUS: Pete, you make us sound like Quakers.  
  
PETER: Not intentionally.  
  
SIRIUS: True.  
  
LILY: Then what's with the whole "Marauders" thing?  
  
REMUS: Its just used because we're a bunch of crazy waifs that happen to hang around each other.  
  
SIRIUS: Well put, Moony.  
  
REMUS: Thank you, Padfoot.  
  
JAMES: Doesn't it sort of go.. deeper than that?  
  
REMUS: What?  
  
JAMES: Calling ourselves The Marauders. Doesn't it sort of represent a brotherhood? A bond? Anything?  
  
SIRIUS: James, maybe I should remind you of the fact that we are males. We're emotionally constipated, and shun displays of affection for each other.  
  
JAMES: Then lets forfeit our intelligence and pride for the duration of the next thirty seconds.  
  
SIRIUS: I fancy silk pajamas.  
  
REMUS: What does that have to do with anything?  
  
SIRIUS: We shed our dignity, remember? I thought I should warm up before moving on to stuff like "I love you" or "friends forever".  
  
JAMES: Please don't take this too far, Padfoot.  
  
SIRIUS: Stop being a fuss-budget, Prongs. Now, what was your question?  
  
JAMES: Does calling ourselves The Marauders express an inner yearning for a sense of brotherhood and devotion?  
  
SIRIUS: What shrink have you been been swapping fluids with?  
  
JAMES: Sod off. On second thought, answer my question and then sod off.   
  
REMUS: I personally think that we do have a bit of a..fellowship. We're all close friends, if nothing else.  
  
PETER: I agree with Remus. I mean, we do everything together.  
  
LILY: Including being more sappy than a maple tree?  
  
SIRIUS: Of course, Lil. You know us too well.  
  
JAMES: I haven't heard your opinion on the friendship issue, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: Haven't heard yours, either. I agree with Remus, though. We're all good friends. JAMES: You know, that whole conversation went surprisingly well.  
  
LILY: It did. And its so cute when you're all cuddly with each other.  
  
SIRIUS: If you don't mind me saying so, "cuddly" is quite a strong word to use in this situation.  
  
REMUS: And we don't discuss this that often, do we?  
  
JAMES: Not unless we've had more butterbeer than previously estimated.  
  
LILY: Shall we return to the opera?  
  
REMUS: I've been watching it during this discussion. It seems that the mountain men are celebrating that they never had to eat each other. Thats why we are now watching them have a party with numerous voluptuous women that apparently appeared out of nowhere.  
  
SIRIUS: Nice word, Remus.  
  
REMUS: What do you mean?  
  
SIRIUS: "Voluptuous." Its just not a Moony word, is it?  
  
JAMES: No, its really not. And if you did happen to use it, you'd probably clear your throat first or avoid eye contact with anyone.  
  
REMUS: Would not.   
  
JAMES: Of course you would.   
  
SIRIUS: You have to admit, Moony, you're very picky about your words.  
  
REMUS: You have no proof of that.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, but I do. On our first train ride to Hogwarts, you corrected me for saying "who" instead of "whom". I rest my case.  
  
REMUS: I was being helpful! Not that it really did anything. You're beyond help, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: Dagger through my heart, Moony.   
  
PETER: I remember our first time on the train to Hogwarts.  
  
LILY: I wish I didn't. You were all horrid. Knocking people over and swinging from doorways.. You threw some sort of stool onto my robes, too. I smelled all through the Sorting.  
  
SIRIUS: We apologized for that one.  
  
LILY: And I forgive you. But that smell has never really left my memory. I think even the Sorting Hat had trouble standing it.  
  
JAMES: But it still sorted you all right, didn't it?  
  
LILY: I'm not a Slytherin, if that's what you mean.  
  
JAMES: No, of course not.   
  
SIRIUS: The five of us sure hit it off, though. Destiny, I tell you.  
  
REMUS: Would it have still been destiny if you weren't there, Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: Absolutely not. I'm right up there with air and water on the List of Importance with this lot.  
  
REMUS: Your ego amazes me.  
  
SIRIUS: I can always count on my friends to be around when they need me.  
  
PETER: Huh?  
  
SIRIUS: Think about that one for awhile, Pete.  
  
PETER: Bugger off, Sirius, you know it doesn't make sense.  
  
  
SNACK MAN: I am here! Here I am!  
  
JAMES: Fantastic! More oddly-shaped and unnaturally-colored food.   
  
LILY: James, these are specialty dishes.   
  
JAMES: Did you ever wonder why its called a specialty dish?  
  
LILY: Not really.  
  
JAMES: Because no one in the real world eats this stuff. Thats why we have good food in abundance, and horrible food is called a delicacy.  
  
SIRIUS: Its quite lucrative, also. Maybe I should go into the delicacy business.  
  
REMUS: You'd invent a new food?  
  
SIRIUS: Can't be that hard, can it? Choose something no one would ever think of eating otherwise, like small rodents or random intestines, and throw it in teriyaki sauce.  
  
PETER: That's sick.  
  
JAMES: That's big in Asia.  
  
REMUS: And you could find all of your supplies on a camping trip.  
  
LILY: There's an idea! We should all go camping at the end of the school year!  
  
PETER: But there are wild animals, and we'd be unprotected.  
  
JAMES: Wormtail, we're wild animals, too.  
  
PETER: Yes, I know. But my cousin William was attacked by a hippogriff while camping.  
  
JAMES: Yeah, right. Is this the same cousin that convinced you that you could die from an overdose on cheese?  
  
PETER: No! And it really happened, too.  
  
SIRIUS: The overdose on cheese?  
  
PETER: No, the hippogriff attack. William curled up and waited for it to go away, but it just attacked him anyway.  
  
SIRIUS: Was he curled up like a head of lettuce?  
  
PETER: Yeah, I suppose you could say that.  
  
SIRIUS: There's the problem. The most basic rule for survival in any situation is to never look like food.  
  
  
~~~~~  
Act II shall come soon, I promise! 


	4. Act Two

At the Opera  
by Rainsong  
  
A/N: I'm actually pleased with this fanfic. Its been working out quite well, and will continue until..well, until I run out of ideas for it. So expect it to be lengthy. Also, thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed, including: emily, Crystalite104, Canadianna, wellduh..., Ariana Black, Sweetie, Phantom of the Basement, Don't hate me.., Torie, Sirius's Soul Mate, Nobody In Particular, -_-, Llybian, Yuffie-Girl, wellduh..., and Lilyanna.   
  
Disclaimer: This is written purely for entertainment. I do not claim ownership to Harry Potter and associated trademarks. Also, no Germans were harmed in the making of this fanfic.   
  
~~~  
  
REMUS: Is it just me or did this suddenly become extremely risqué?  
  
JAMES: What did you expect, Moony, with all of those "voluptuous" women running around?  
  
SIRIUS: That makes two in one night, Remus. Voluptuous and risqué.   
  
REMUS: Shut up, Sirius. You're the one who claims I'm losing my edge.  
  
SIRIUS: Only because you gave me reason to believe that it was true.  
  
LILY: Out of sheer curiosity, how far exactly can these actors go in front of a large audience in a government-owned structure?  
  
*audience gasps*  
  
SIRIUS: There's the answer to your question, Lily. By the way, you have more light where you're sitting than I do. Could you tell me, is James blushing yet?  
  
JAMES: Stuff it, Padfoot. I am not blushing.  
  
LILY: Actually, there is a bit more color in your face than usual...I certainly hope its not those strange hors d'oeuvres. I did think that one piece of shrimp looked unusually pink..  
  
SIRIUS: ..and triumphantly, the victorious one rides unto the doting masses...  
  
JAMES: I'm going to break your neck, Padfoot. Chicken style, even.  
  
SIRIUS: You couldn't catch me if you tried.  
  
JAMES: Want to bet on that?  
  
SIRIUS: Have you forgotten already? I gave you my last sickle.  
  
JAMES: Sirius...  
  
SIRIUS: Sorry. Shutting up now.  
  
LILY: Alright, I'm not sure how much longer I can stand this.  
  
REMUS: Likewise.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, come on. I consider myself lucky. At least we can't understand whatever they're saying to each other right now.  
  
PETER: Why are they going up and down?  
  
*Sirius falls out of his seat, breaks into hysterics*  
  
REMUS: Hasn't that been covered, if not by Wizarding Health Class, by Sirius on numerous occasions?  
  
PETER: Yes! I know very well what they're doing.  
  
JAMES: Then why the question?  
  
*Sirius begins to climb back into his chair*  
  
PETER: Well, it just looked so... primitive.  
  
*Sirius disappears to the floor again.*  
  
LILY: Pete, lets just drop this one. Sirius is going to be regaining his normal breathing pattern soon.  
  
*Sirius climbs off the floor, takes a seat*  
  
SIRIUS: That was a refreshing breeze of idiocy.  
  
PETER: Shut up, Sirius.   
  
SIRIUS: No, Wormtail, I want to help you. Now, why ARE they going up and down? Maybe Prongs can answer that question, since he's so knowledgeable on this topic.  
  
JAMES: Thats it. I'm going to strangle you, Padfoot.   
  
SIRIUS: Could you explain this one to Peter, first?  
  
JAMES: No, why don't you? I always thought this was your forte.  
  
SIRIUS: Not really. I'm not dating anyone.  
  
JAMES: That doesn't necessarily mean-  
  
REMUS: Alright, enough!   
  
LILY: Thank you, Remus.  
  
REMUS: You're welcome. But keep in mind, it never lasts long.  
  
SIRIUS: But that's better than it lasting forever, right? What would you do if you never heard our sweet voices ever again, Moony?  
  
REMUS: Oh, lets see. I'd write a book, I'd become a world leader, and, most importantly, have a whole lot less injuries.  
  
JAMES: Bollocks, Moony, your head would implode.   
  
REMUS: Not likely.   
  
JAMES: I'm telling you that it would. You'd have no one to use your outlandish intelligence on, and eventually it would just collect like a dust bunny in your mind, until...boom!  
  
REMUS: Try it, why don't you? Disappear!  
  
SIRIUS: We couldn't do that, Moony. It'd put you through some sort of intellectual withdrawal.  
  
REMUS: Not true.  
  
SIRIUS: I think it is, Moony. You'd have no one to correct, to reprimand, to annoy you..  
  
REMUS: You make it sound like you're both stupid. Mental, maybe. Stupid, no. And anyway, so what? I would consider that a benefit.  
  
JAMES: Not in the end. You're just that kind of person. You untangle garden hoses, solve math equations, enjoy brain teasers. Enormous brain teasers.  
  
REMUS: Are you two suggesting that you're the Most Difficult Brain Teasers in the World?  
  
JAMES and SIRIUS: Yes.  
  
REMUS: Tell me something I don't know.  
  
LILY: Please stop it, everyone. You could drive a Beauxbatons carriage through this argument and not scrape a fact. Except that I, personally, would miss James if he disappeared.   
  
SIRIUS: What about me?  
  
LILY: Well..  
  
SIRIUS: What would you do without me, Lil? We couldn't team up to scare James on Halloween and April Fools Day. Or any other day of the year, for that matter.   
  
LILY: Alright, I'd miss Sirius, too.  
  
JAMES: Didn't we regain our dignity after we shed it previously?  
  
REMUS: I don't know. If Sirius gives us all hugs on the way out of the theatre, we'll know for sure.  
  
SIRIUS: For your information, I am dignity-savvy once again.  
  
JAMES: (sarcastically) Aw, no hugs?  
  
SIRIUS: Guess not.  
  
LILY: I wonder how much longer this opera will continue. If it ends soon, we should all go somewhere.   
  
SIRIUS: Where?  
  
LILY: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but James and I haven't been to the bookstore in town recently.  
  
SIRIUS: The bookstore? Your dates must be fascinating..  
  
LILY: Shut up, Sirius, there's a cafe in there.   
  
SIRIUS: Oh, sure.   
  
LILY: What, you think I'm lying?  
  
SIRIUS: Well, you could be reading a book titled "Cafe."  
  
LILY: Ugh. Look, there is an actual cafe in there. And that's where we're going.  
  
SIRIUS: I love it when you lay down the law.  
  
LILY: Did I just say that I'd miss Sirius a few moments ago?  
  
JAMES: You did. I knew it'd be one of those things you'd regret.  
  
SIRIUS: Hey! Sirius-worship does not come with receipts.   
  
REMUS: There's always room for improvement.  
  
*A snore interrupts the conversation*  
  
JAMES: Peter's sleeping.  
  
SIRIUS: Good observation.  
  
JAMES: Thanks, I thought so myself.  
  
LILY: Honestly. Is it that late?  
  
JAMES: Must have been the hors d'oeuvres.  
  
SIRIUS: The same ones that make you blush in sync with the mountain climbers' sex romp?  
  
JAMES: I was NOT blushing.  
  
LILY: Do you think we should wake him up?  
  
REMUS: Nah, let him sleep. In fact, I wish I could sleep through this entire opera.  
  
LILY: You know, I'm really sorry to drag you all to this thing. I didn't think it would   
be this awful.  
  
JAMES: Its ok, Lil. We're not angry.  
  
SIRIUS: Speak for yourself, I-  
  
*Sirius is kicked swiftly by James*  
  
SIRIUS: -actually enjoyed it.  
  
LILY: You don't have to be nice about it, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: I shouldn't be mean about it, either.  
  
LILY: Yes, but we all know it was a waste of time and money.  
  
JAMES: Not necessarily. We got to learn a thing or two about German mountain climbing culture, and were able to eat foods that, among other things, contained at least one color of the rainbow per serving.  
  
REMUS: And, according to the program, we still have quite a bit of time left. So stop talking as though we're about to leave.   
  
JAMES: You've had a program this whole time?  
  
REMUS: Yeah. So?  
  
JAMES: Does it say anything about the origin of this madness?  
  
REMUS: No, unfortunately. It lists the actors, and the scenes. And, according to what I'm reading right now, in the next scene all of the mountain climbers die.  
  
SIRIUS: Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?  
  
REMUS: You haven't listened to the rest of the scene. After they die, we meet up with them again in the afterlife.  
  
*Groans*  
  
SIRIUS: Look on the bright side. Maybe they end up in some hallucinogen-induced euphoria.  
  
JAMES: Don't go there, Padfoot. Please.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, yeah, you had that incident with your herbology homework..  
  
REMUS: Oh, I remember that. I don't know how you misinterpreted that assignment, James.  
  
JAMES: So what? I misread it. I thought it said "eat" instead of "beat."  
  
REMUS: And we all learned the side effects of that one.  
  
SIRIUS: And I quote, " The furniture is moving. That's not supposed to happen."  
  
JAMES: Leave me alone, Padfoot. It was a mistake anyone could have made.  
  
SIRIUS: No, I don't think so. Only you, Prongs.  
  
REMUS: Its good we got you out of the hospital wing in time. Madam Pomfrey was planning on keeping you for observation for the next week. She must have found it as amusing as we did.   
  
SIRIUS: That really was a brilliant plan, wasn't it? The one we used to get you out of the hospital wing  
  
JAMES: I suppose so. I wouldn't call it the best, though.  
  
SIRIUS: What do you mean?  
  
JAMES: I mean that I've come up with better.   
  
SIRIUS: You have not! I think I'm the undisputed King of Cunning Plans. I bet you couldn't even figure out a plan to get onto center stage at this opera house during the production, and that's almost too simple.  
  
JAMES: I think I can, and it'll be much better than any of your schemes.  
  
SIRIUS: Fine, make a plan, and then we will follow it to the letter. The embarrassment that will inevitably follow will help you understand why I am a genius and why you are someone who plays hide-and-seek with a sandwich.  
  
JAMES: *sputters*  
  
LILY: No one is going on stage. We'll be thrown out and humiliated.  
  
REMUS: Relax, they never go through with things of that proportion.  
  
JAMES: Ah, foiled again by government policy and good common sense.  
  
SIRIUS: Especially when there are such better targets. Come on, Lil, the night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks!  
  
LILY: I have this funny pain in the back of my head all of a sudden...  
  
SIRIUS: Must be from Remus. He tries so hard to pretend he doesn't enjoy our pranks.  
  
REMUS: I enjoy some of them. Others are downright appalling.  
  
JAMES: We've never done anything appalling. At least not to anyone outside of Slytherin house.  
  
REMUS: See my point?  
  
SNACK MAN: I have more food!  
  
SIRIUS: No thanks, Snack Man.   
  
SNACK MAN: Well..is there anything else I can do for you?  
  
SIRIUS: (thoughtfully) Well..do you have any of those plastic eating utensils?  
  
SNACK MAN: Yes, in fact. I have spoons, forks, knives, sporks..  
  
*Lily jumps out of her seat and grabs Snack Man violently*  
  
LILY: YOU HAD TO SAY IT, DIDN'T YOU?   
  
SNACK MAN: *bewildered* W-W-What?  
  
LILY: The S-word, you fool!  
  
JAMES: Calm down, Lily. He doesn't understand.  
  
SNACK MAN: S-word?  
  
JAMES: Spork. You said 'spork'  
  
SNACK MAN: What does that have to do with anything?  
  
JAMES: Sirius has a thing about sporks.  
  
SNACK MAN: A..thing?  
  
JAMES: Oh, you know. A fascination, fixation, obsession, preoccupation!  
  
SIRIUS: (Quietly) May I have a spork?  
  
*All eyes turn to Sirius*  
  
LILY: *loosens her grip on Snack Man* You're not going mad?  
  
SIRIUS: No. May I have a spork?  
  
*Snack Man cautiously hands Sirius a spork*  
  
SIRIUS: This is a nice, sharp, springy one. Thank you, Snack Man.   
  
JAMES: I don't believe this. Padfoot's been cured!  
  
REMUS: It appears that he has. Maybe someone should poke him, just to make sure.  
  
SIRIUS: No, really. I'm fine.  
  
*Sirius stands up, leans against the balcony rail*  
  
LILY: Are you sure?   
  
SIRIUS: Yes, absolutely. I've found my place in the world.   
  
JAMES: Is anyone else getting chills from the way Padfoot is talking?  
  
ALL: Yes.  
  
SIRIUS: Don't worry. I've found the perfect spork. My life quest is over. Fare thee well.  
  
*Sirius leans backwards, and smiles serenely as he topples over the ledge of the balcony and begins to fall towards the cement floor many stories below.*  
  
~~~~~  
  
A/N: No, no, I didn't kill Sirius! Trust me, if Sirius ever dies in any of my fanfiction, it will be a Really Noble Death. And throwing himself over an opera house balcony over a spork isn't very noble. So, next chapter: Find out how Sirius survives his fall uninjured and at the same time leaves the Muggles oblivious. Also, Snack Man's shift ends.   
  
By the way, I am particularly horrified by this chapter, which was neither funny nor in good taste. I apologize about the sporks, folks, but please remember that it could have been a spatula. Then we'd all be sleeping with the lights on. 


	5. Act Three

At The Opera by Rainsong  
  
A/N: The much anticipated (at least by my friends) chapter in which we find out exactly how Sirius didn't die. Simple pleasures, simple pleasures. Also, you may notice that I introduce a little bit of AU in this chapter. Lily, James, and Sirius have ancient prophecies, villains, and world-savin' under their belts by now. Wondering if this is a platform for future schnoogle? Possibly..possibly.  
  
Thanks to my lovely reviewers:  
  
  
  
** Act Three **  
  
*Mutual screams from everyone. Our remaining three (Peter's still sleeping) dash over to the balcony, looking desperately for their spork-loving companion. They find him hovering a few feet below the balcony, looking pleasantly amused at the shocked looks on their faces.*  
  
SIRIUS: Oh come on, did you really think I'd throw myself over a balcony?  
  
REMUS: Yes, and it gaves us quite a fright.  
  
JAMES: You stupid bas- Wait. You're hovering.  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, I'm hovering. I'm one to hover. Hoverable, Hover-savvy, hover- compatible, hover-  
  
JAMES: Enough! How are you doing that?  
  
SIRIUS: Hang on..  
  
*Sirius grabs balcony railing, pulls himself up, over, and back into the safety of the box. He pulls out a small, glittering object that looks like some sort of talisman.*  
  
SIRIUS: I bought it in Hogsmeade. It'll allow you to hang in mid air for a maximum of thirty minutes. Nifty little bugger.  
  
REMUS: So nifty that you find time to misuse it?  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, come on. You're not all going to be angry at me now, are you?  
  
REMUS: I'm not angry. Just-  
  
SIRIUS: Disappointed? Come on, you're not my mother.  
  
REMUS: I was going to say that I thought you were more mindful of your actions than to scare your friends into thinking that you had committed suicide over a flexible piece of plastic.  
  
SIRIUS: I assumed that you were smart enough to know that I wouldn't do such a thing..unless the spork was multi-colored. Then we're on a whole different level.  
  
REMUS: Sirius..  
  
SIRIUS: Look, sorry. I thought you'd be amused by my neat little gadget.  
  
JAMES: I actually think its excellent. But don't do that again.  
  
SIRIUS: I solemnly swear. I wonder if I could fall asleep _above_ my bed using this thing..  
  
JAMES: You should try it. Or maybe you could use it to scare Snape. Float into his room disguised as a ghost the dead of night, muttering something about floral patterns and how he belongs in Hufflepuff. He'll be clutching his Dark Arts collection for weeks after that one.  
  
SIRIUS: Brilliant!  
  
JAMES: Thank you.  
  
SIRIUS: What happened to Lily?  
  
LILY: Oh, I'm still here. I just refuse to talk to you.  
  
SIRIUS: Why?  
  
LILY: Your behavior was thoughtless and atrocious.  
  
SIRIUS: Look, I already apologized.  
  
LILY: To Remus. Not to me.  
  
SIRIUS: Fine then. I'm sorry, Lily.  
  
LILY: Thats better. Don't ever do that again. Ever.  
  
SIRIUS: Like I said before; I solemnly swear.  
  
REMUS: Oh, look. The mountain climbers are meeting their families.  
  
JAMES: The same families that have no idea about their risque rendevous?  
  
SIRIUS: Looks like it.  
  
LILY: If I were slightly less decent, I think I'd walk out of this opera house right now. How long can this possibly continue?  
  
SIRIUS: I'll be saying the same thing if we end up at the bookstore for the next three hours.  
  
JAMES: We should go somewhere tomorrow, then.  
  
LILY: I'm in.  
  
SIRIUS: Me too.  
  
REMUS: Wish I could, but I've got homework in Wizarding Relations.  
  
SIRIUS: I don't know why you took that class.  
  
REMUS: Its good to be updated on what's going on between wizarding communities around the world.  
  
JAMES: Thats what the Daily Prophet is for.  
  
REMUS: Yes, but the Daily Prophet is so nondescript.  
  
JAMES: Maybe you're just picky.  
  
REMUS: Maybe I am. But may I remind you that my pickiness has saved our necks on quite a few occasions.  
  
SIRIUS: Such as?  
  
REMUS: Such as the time we had to choose between Door One and Door Two, and I was the one who didn't want to pull the handle on Door One because it was covered in sticky liquid. Which, we later discovered, was residue from a poisonous gas that we very well could have walked in to.  
  
SIRIUS: Alright, that time it was helpful.  
  
JAMES: And we get in situations like that so often. So Remus is quite a factor in our overall pranking success rate.  
  
SIRIUS: Possibly survival rate, also.  
  
LILY: Thats another thing. I'm sick and tired of all of your crazy little adventures.  
  
JAMES: They're neither crazy nor little, though I suppose thats not the point you're trying to convey.  
  
LILY: Can't you avoid them, though?  
  
SIRIUS: Nah. Its in the cards.  
  
LILY: Forget it. I'm not going to get an answer anyway. But honestly, couldn't you send something like dwarves to tread through the Forbidden Forest in your place?  
  
SIRIUS: I suppose we could, but what would that do? They're not very bright, dwarves.  
  
JAMES: Yeah. All dwarves have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.  
  
LILY: There you go. Send them out.  
  
JAMES: That would take all of the fun out of it.  
  
LILY: Too bad. You must sacrifice for safety.  
  
JAMES: Do we sit here and complain about the obvious very often?  
  
SIRIUS: No. Lily's just naturally irritable. Which brings us to the age-old question: How have Lily and James kept a steady relationship all through our Hogwarts years?  
  
REMUS: That again?  
  
SIRIUS: Yes. And its more fun if you limit the answers to verbs and adjectives.  
  
JAMES: Which we are NOT doing this time.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, come on, it was fun!  
  
JAMES: No, it was obscene.  
  
SIRIUS: That was entirely Remus' fault.  
  
REMUS: How so? I didn't even participate in that conversation.  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, you did. It was late at night at the Three Broomsticks and...oh, I see your point.  
  
JAMES: There was no conclusion to the conversation, either.  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, there was. I ended it by saying how nice it is when you find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  
  
LILY: James and I don't annoy each other.  
  
SNACK MAN: Anything off the trolley?  
  
JAMES: Could I have a glass of sparkling cider, with one of those cute little umbrellas?  
  
SIRIUS: That was..descriptive.  
  
JAMES: A red umbrella, preferably. Hey, I think I've done my share of world- saving. I deserve a red umbrella.  
  
SIRIUS: The next time Snack Man wheels around, could you throw in the whole ancient prophecy thing and get me something, as well?  
  
JAMES: Certainly.  
  
LILY: I hate it when you two use that to your advantage. You haven't even begun Auror school yet, and you're already talking like you've saved the universe.  
  
SIRIUS: My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.  
  
LILY: Oh, very funny. Really witty.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, come on. You can't say your not amused by being able to say things like, "Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done."  
  
LILY: Well..  
  
SIRIUS: Well, I enjoy it. The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.  
  
*Mutual gagging sounds*  
  
SIRIUS: Come on, everyone. Don't discourage a good thing.  
  
JAMES: Some good things need to be discouraged because they're only good in the eye of the beholder. Like Quodpot, for instance.  
  
LILY: Must we complain about Quodpot?  
  
SIRIUS: There's always time to complain about Quodpot.  
  
JAMES: Like what kind of imbocile thinks that Quodpot's got anything on Quidditch?  
  
SIRIUS: And who ever decided that it was a good idea to turn a freak accident into a sport?  
  
JAMES: And what's a wizarding game without a *snitch*?  
  
SIRIUS: Or a Quaffle?  
  
JAMES: Or Bludgers?  
  
SIRIUS: Or any resemblance of sanity?  
  
LILY: I suppose it's Quodpot.  
  
SIRIUS: That's the core of our dilemma.  
  
LILY: American wizards are a little different, I must say.  
  
JAMES: Its only their sports that are absurd. Otherwise they're not a bad lot.  
  
PETER: Is it over?  
  
REMUS: Oh, you're awake. No, its not. We have time to burn.  
  
JAMES: Then thank God Sirius is a pyromaniac.  
  
~~~~~  
  
A/N: Did this really take me a month to write? Yes. Was that necessary? No. I promise to update soon next time! Within the next two weeks, most likely. Thanks for waiting, though! 


	6. Act Four

At The Opera by Rainsong  
  
A/N: Didn't I promise it to you? New chapter in the next two weeks? Rainsong rewards all of her children, you see? But patience, since the next couple of weeks may just be a bit chaotic for me. 31 reviews, thank you! And just as a secondary note, Remy Zero is god in all of its aspects.  
  
This chapter dedicated to Leiha, who has truly seen the Light.  
  
~~~ Act Four ~~~  
  
SIRIUS: So where are we going tomorrow night?  
  
LILY: Dinner?  
  
JAMES: Thats sounds somewhat incomplete. What else could we do?  
  
SIRIUS: How about The Emporium?  
  
REMUS: That's that club outside of Godric's Hollow, isn't it?  
  
SIRIUS: Best in town.  
  
LILY: Couldn't we go bowling?  
  
SIRIUS: No.  
  
LILY: Then we vote.  
  
SIRIUS: Voting's boring.  
  
LILY: Then what, rock-paper-scissors? That's done too often. My hands have cramped up.  
  
SIRIUS: Well, yes, if you're always scissors of course your tendons are going to strain.  
  
LILY: I am not always scissors.  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, you are.  
  
LILY: Its the safest one.  
  
SIRIUS: No safer than rock or paper. The chances are equal.  
  
LILY: Then I suppose I'm just a preferential creature.  
  
SIRIUS: And supposedly a prophetic preferential, as well?  
  
LILY: Its absolutely true! My grandmother was a Muggle Seer.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, of course. Thats why you always win at rock-paper-scissors.  
  
LILY: Even if I was a Seer, I couldn't predict any of your actions. You're completely neurotic, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: But I know where my loyalties lie. Now there's a constant.  
  
LILY: I suppose.  
  
REMUS: Has anyone noticed that the color of the curtains matches the color of the stage? Thats a bit unusual. The whole thing looks like a tomato.  
  
JAMES: So what? Lily did the same thing in her room, though I suppose the fact that it was a light shade of lavender makes it more acceptable.  
  
REMUS: You've been in Lily's bedroom?  
  
JAMES: Ours is a forbidden love.  
  
REMUS: You don't have to be sarcastic.  
  
JAMES: I think I do.  
  
LILY: Speaking of which, are you going to find someone to bring along to The Emporium tomorrow, Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: Nah. I'll find someone while we're there.  
  
JAMES: That shouldn't be difficult.  
  
SIRIUS: Hey, I can't help it if I'm gifted with the ability to woo.  
  
LILY: If you're so woo-full, how come you never seem to have a steady girlfriend?  
  
SIRIUS: No time, no fun.  
  
LILY: What does a girl have to do to impress you?  
  
SIRIUS: It involves a feathered boa and the theme from "The Nine Lives of Hilton the Hippogriff. I can't talk about it here.  
  
LILY: Thank God. I don't think I want to know.  
  
JAMES: Don't you ever want to have some sort of attachment to a member of the opposite sex?  
  
SIRIUS: What, and suck all the fun and spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.  
  
JAMES: Lily and I have plenty of fun. And you're not going to be young forever.  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. Okay, lets not all rush to disagree..  
  
LILY: Someone has to do Snape's job.  
  
SIRIUS: Please don't say that.  
  
JAMES: I wonder if Dumbledore's still watching him ever-so-carefully?  
  
REMUS: I would hope that he would be. I refuse to get expelled because of Snape's petty prejudices.  
  
SIRIUS: And I'm sure that Dumbledore knows that Snape would paint it in yellow on the walls of the Great Hall if someone gave him the chance.  
  
REMUS: Maybe he wouldn't go that far. Maybe even Snape can draw the line somewhere.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, sure. What's he going to say? "Yes, I must admit, I'm intrigued. Werewolves, its one of the classics. I'm sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon." He'd spill it all if he didn't worry about being expelled.  
  
PETER: Can't we brainwash Snape or something? One good memory charm would do it.  
  
JAMES: Thats the first time we've heard from you in awhile, Wormtail. Opera getting a bit dull for you?  
  
PETER: A bit, yes.  
  
REMUS: And in answer to your question, no, we cannot erase any of Snape's memory. Dumbledore would notice. Or McGonagall.  
  
JAMES: And we know how much McGonagall would stand up for our cause..  
  
REMUS: Actually, I think McGonagall quite likes us.  
  
SIRIUS: Are you using 'likes' in the context of 'fixation resulting in homicide?' I mean, she likes you.  
  
JAMES: Loves you, even. Best student she's ever had. "Now why can't you be more like Remus?" should be the new Gryffindor motto.  
  
REMUS: Sod off. I keep up my grades, and I agree with most of what she says.  
  
JAMES: Our grades are pretty good, also, but we don't get the pet treatment. And another thing; she's got no problem with Lily.  
  
LILY: Thats true, actually. Though whenever I'm scolded for being in on one of your crazy ideas, I get that hopeless look from her that says "Black and Potter have damaged your promising mind. Get new friends."  
  
SIRIUS: Right, so McGonagall likes you and Remus.  
  
PETER: I'm hopeless in Transfiguration.  
  
REMUS: Can't you be more optimistic? Attitude contributes to ability. Isn't there anything you can say you're good at?  
  
PETER: Care of Magical Creatures, maybe.  
  
SIRIUS: That class is fun because its easy. I think Defense Against the Dark Arts is where the challenge is.  
  
JAMES: Agreed. And its so helpful for dealing with Snape.  
  
LILY: Oh, come on, do you honestly think Snape's a Death Eater?  
  
SIRIUS: His entire family are servants of Voldemort, I'm sure. How else would he know all of those hexes and curses when he first came to Hogwarts?  
  
JAMES: And if he's not now, he will be.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe Voldemort won't accept him.  
  
REMUS: Why not? Snape, as much as I hate to admit it, isn't exactly stupid. He could be cunning.  
  
SIRIUS: But there must be more process to it than "You are strange and off- putting. Go now."  
  
JAMES: There must be a test of some sort.  
  
REMUS: Whatever the case, it seems strange that Snape's sort of building up inventory, per say. He has minions now.  
  
JAMES: *quite amused* Snape..Snape has minions?  
  
REMUS: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.  
  
JAMES: I'm sorry, its just..Snape has minions!  
  
REMUS: And cauldrons have handles. There's actually a more serious side to this.  
  
JAMES: I certainly hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing.  
  
SIRIUS: Snape's always had friends, but never minions. This is a move to the mysterious.  
  
REMUS: I'm not worried. He probably just got bored with having equals.  
  
SIRIUS: Its sort of pathetic, you know? He has to look for his minions, recruit them, whereas you're all under my thrall by natural causes.  
  
JAMES: Sure, Padfoot.  
  
LILY: Well, wait. I think Padfoot has a definite point.  
  
JAMES: What?  
  
LILY: We are his minions, and we should be treated as such.  
  
SIRIUS: Yeah, what?  
  
LILY: I love being a minion, don't you all?  
  
JAMES: It was the opera, wasn't it.  
  
SIRIUS: I'm going to pretend I don't know there's a catch to all of this.  
  
LILY: Hey, fellow minions!  
  
REMUS: I refuse to respond to that.  
  
LILY: Ugh! Hello, minions! I have a plan.  
  
JAMES: Not that I admit to being Sirius' minion, but what's your plan?  
  
LILY: I'm tired of the dictatorship that we live under as minions. Lets overthrow our ruler.  
  
REMUS: Now you're making sense..  
  
JAMES: Excellent! When can we start? Do we attack him in his sleep, or just come up behind him in broad daylight with a pillow case and a jar of peanut butter?  
  
SIRIUS: Alright, game over now, we're equals again.  
  
LILY: Glad that's settled.  
  
~~~~  
  
A/N: Act Five coming soon! Please review! 


	7. Act Five

At The Opera By Rainsong  
  
A/N: I apologize for being so ridiculously slow. If it weren't really, really late, I'd write more about my idiocy. Hope you enjoy the chapter!  
  
Act 5  
  
~~~  
  
SIRIUS: Pass the tray, Remington  
  
REMUS: I thought we already went through this..?  
  
SIRIUS: Did we?  
  
REMUS: I hope you're perfectly aware that I will not listen to this to for the next 70-some years.  
  
SIRIUS: Even if I stop calling you Remington?  
  
REMUS: Yes, even if you stop calling me Remington.  
  
SIRIUS: Well, I don't see how me being a senile madman could worsen the situation.  
  
REMUS: True. You'd have to teeter to the bathroom every thirty minutes. At least it would shorten the amount of time I'm stuck with you.  
  
SIRIUS: Perhaps we'd both just fall asleep and not realize we were still in the same room with each other. Then one of us would wake up and shout, "I thought you died years ago!"  
  
REMUS: Right.  
  
SIRIUS: What do you mean, "Right"?  
  
REMUS: Dear me, it seems I just agreed with Sirius.  
  
JAMES: So you have. How does it feel, to prove the predictions of thousands wrong?  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, stuff it, Prongs. You're messing with the vibe.  
  
JAMES: Oh, I see. There's a vibe now. I missed a memo.  
  
SIRIUS: Just a memo?  
  
JAMES: Many memos. A plethora of memos.  
  
SIRIUS: I'll have to start putting the important dates on Post-It Enchanted Notes, eh?  
  
JAMES: Knock yourself out.  
  
REMUS: Please.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh Remington, how tortured are thee?  
  
LILY: If they get into a fistfight, I've got 50 on Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: So you honestly think I'd win?  
  
REMUS: Wait up, why would I lose?  
  
LILY: Because Sirius plays dirty.  
  
SIRIUS: *collapses*  
  
LILY: Oh, shut up, I didn't mean it that way!  
  
SIRIUS: "Sirius plays dirty"..priceless.  
  
LILY: I meant that you'd be unfair in a fight.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, right. A mud fight, perhaps?  
  
LILY: No..  
  
SIRIUS: In leather trousers?  
  
LILY: Well, you have to admit, that is sort of sexy.  
  
JAMES: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Lil. No more fueling the fire, please.  
  
LILY: I was only joking.  
  
REMUS: It remains as an unpleasant array of images, nonetheless.  
  
LILY: What, saying that Sirius is sexy?  
  
JAMES: Please stop. I'm willing to offer monetary incentives.  
  
REMUS: You know, Padfoot's been quite silent, considering how much worship has been going on here.  
  
LILY: Jokingly or otherwise.  
  
SIRIUS: Remember what we said about vibes? I'm enjoying this vibe. Some things are best enjoyed in silence.  
  
JAMES: There's my dose of unusual for the day.  
  
REMUS: Maybe it was the whole spork issue that put him in such a good mood.  
  
LILY: Maybe he's enjoying the opera.  
  
SIRIUS: ..and maybe Snape is sitting by the fire with his mum, knitting pink balaclavas with love in every stitch.  
  
LILY: Well, you do have a twisted sense of humor at times.  
  
SIRIUS: This opera surpasses twisted.  
  
JAMES: Are you still with us, Wormtail?  
  
PETER: Just barely. I seem to have drifted off to-  
  
SIRIUS: Sea?  
  
PETER -sleep.  
  
SIRIUS: Well, snap out of it. I think the chorus line is going to do an encore of that last catchy little number.  
  
JAMES: "That Wretched Cat Has Spoiled the Mayonnaise"?  
  
SIRIUS: I think it's catchy.  
  
LILY: You know what I was thinking about the other day?  
  
SIRIUS: James in his Quidditch trousers?  
  
LILY: No. But it does trouble me that they've switched from corduroy to khaki..  
  
JAMES: Back to the topic at hand. Lil, what were you thinking about the other day?  
  
LILY: Oh, right. I was wondering about our future careers.  
  
REMUS: That's not hard. Sirius will be unemployed, James will be playing Quidditch, I'll be a librarian, Peter will be a taste-tester for Butterbeer products, and you'll be a well-known fashion model.  
  
SIRIUS: Way to hit the nail on the head, Remington!  
  
REMUS: Well, that's the stereotype inflicted upon us all.  
  
LILY: But realistically, what will we all be doing?  
  
REMUS: Realistic..tough concept for this lot, but here goes nothing. You and James and Sirius will all be Aurors- SIRIUS: Being a Chosen One is such fun.  
  
REMUS -I'll probably end up teaching at Hogwarts, or working a bunch of odd jobs populated by other not-entirely-humans-  
  
JAMES: Pessimist.  
  
REMUS: -and Peter will find a fantastic job as..well, actually I don't know. What do you want to do, Peter?  
  
PETER: Travel, maybe. Open a pub somewhere.  
  
REMUS: There you go. Peter's Pub.  
  
SIRIUS: That is totally uninspired.  
  
REMUS: Oh, you can do better?  
  
SIRIUS: How about "Peter's Pub of Pathetic Pastimes"? Beat that.  
  
REMUS: "Peter Pettigrew's Positively Pleasant Pub of Perfectly Pissed People".  
  
JAMES: Regardless of the fact that Sirius never admits defeat, I don't know how he can beat that.  
  
SIRIUS: "Peter Percival Pettigrew's Peppy Primetime Pub of Pansies, Politicians, Prostitutes, and Pork Rinds".  
  
REMUS: All right, you win.  
  
SIRIUS: I know.  
  
LILY: Well, we all seem to be living awfully independent lives. What about children?  
  
JAMES: What kind of children?  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, you know. The kind that keep cockroaches as pets and have third nipples. What do you mean, 'what kind of children?'  
  
JAMES: I mean who would be the ones with children? Certainly not you, Padfoot.  
  
SIRIUS: Likewise, Prongs.  
  
LILY: I had a dream that every one of us had children, and they all looked like us, and they all played together in a sandbox.  
  
JAMES: And of course its you, who has the prophetic dreams, that brings this into the conversation.  
  
LILY: I see nothing wrong with that dream coming true.  
  
JAMES: Maybe you don't.  
  
SIRIUS: I wouldn't worry. Not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?  
  
LILY: I dreamt..I dreamt that Sirius and I opened an office supply warehouse..  
  
SIRIUS: See? Calm down, Prongs. Until the day you fear my Spellotape and lined paper, you will not be cursed with children that look just like you.  
  
JAMES: You flatter me.  
  
LILY: Oh, James, don't listen to him. You're absolutely adorable.  
  
SIRIUS: So you've gotten over the khaki trousers?  
  
LILY: Entirely.  
  
PETER: *jumps in surprise*  
  
SIRIUS: Never seen explosives before, Pete?  
  
PETER: They were loud and unexpected.  
  
REMUS: Uncalled for, too. The chorus line was heading into that aquatic scene.  
  
JAMES: Yes, but there were mermaids with cannons.  
  
SIRIUS: I've never seen mermaids that good-looking before.  
  
LILY: Its sort of a Muggle thing. Drunken sailors in the 17th century saw mermaids, and, considering they hadn't seen women in months or years at a time, they hallucinated and believed them to be beautiful.  
  
JAMES: If all the Muggle world has to support its theories are a lot of pissed seamen, we must be quite lucky.  
  
SIRIUS: Lucky? But we have the Ministry of Magic.  
  
JAMES: Oh, I see your point.  
  
REMUS: Why are the mermaids on land suddenly?  
  
SIRIUS: Actually, I think they can do that for a brief amount of time. I was running around the castle once, and I spotted one by the lake.  
  
LILY: You run?  
  
SIRIUS: And jump. And bend. And occasionally, frolic.  
  
LILY: Well, I knew that you frolicked. But you run?  
  
SIRIUS: If I'm feeling claustrophobic, yes.  
  
LILY: Why would you ever feel claustrophobic?  
  
SIRIUS: "Why would you feel claustrophobic? Why? Does THIS make you feel claustrophobic? God, there must be something very amiss. Just for reference, you feel claustrophobic right now, correct? What if I raise the room temperature?"  
  
LILY: I do not do that.  
  
SIRIUS: You just did.  
  
LILY: No. I asked you a series of questions.  
  
SIRIUS: Repetitive questions.  
  
LILY: Maybe if you stopped giving repetitive answers, I wouldn't have to ask the same questions time and time again.  
  
SIRIUS: Maybe if you started running around the castle, you'd understand.  
  
LILY: Maybe if I got one good blow to the head I'd understand!  
  
PETER: SHUT UP!  
  
JAMES: Well that was out of character.  
  
PETER: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it! They just kept arguing, and arguing..  
  
REMUS: Yes, they do have a tendency to do that, don't they?  
  
LILY: Where have you been for the past 7 years and counting?  
  
PETER: I've been sitting in patience.  
  
SIRIUS: Or cold, bloodcurdling fear.  
  
JAMES: For me its been the latter. I know better than to get involved in your stupid rows with Lily.  
  
SIRIUS and LILY: They're not stupid.  
  
JAMES: You just argued about claustrophobia in relation to repetition! And you tell me it wasn't stupid?  
  
SIRIUS: You just don't see it the way we do.  
  
LILY: Yes, we're quite unique that way.  
  
SIRIUS: We should co-write a novel.  
  
LILY: Yes. Why Our Bickering Is Utterly Misunderstood: A Memoir  
  
SIRIUS: And if no one bought it, we could just use our own money to put it on the bestseller list.  
  
JAMES: I don't get it. Lily can be standing on the Astronomy Tower balcony, viciously pummeling Sirius with ice cubes, but then the next moment they're sitting by the fire laughing like there's no tomorrow.  
  
SIRIUS: We're just not uptight like you are, Prongs.  
  
LILY: Yes, dear, do relax a bit.  
  
JAMES: I just can't win.  
  
REMUS: Join the club.  
  
SIRIUS: I bet the membership for the club is expensive.  
  
REMUS: Besides the issue where that was figurative, why, pray tell, do you say that, Padfoot?  
  
SIRIUS: T-shirts.  
  
JAMES: T-shirts?  
  
SIRIUS: T-shirts. You know, there's the official membership one, that reads "Sirius and Lily are annoying lunatics that must be stopped." Then there's the optional "Annoyance is my religion, and Remington is my priest."  
  
REMUS: He wants to kill me.  
  
SIRIUS: If you do die of it, it'll be of fright.  
  
REMUS: I'm annoyed, not terrified.  
  
SIRIUS: For now.  
  
JAMES: Is it over?  
  
LILY: Sirius speaking? No.  
  
JAMES: The opera.  
  
LILY: No, it looks like an intermission.  
  
SIRIUS: That means we get to wander the lobby, doesn't it?  
  
LILY: Well, if you promise not to touch anything..  
  
SIRIUS: Bloody hell, Lily, I'm not 3 years old.  
  
LILY: No, but your mentality is.  
  
SIRIUS: Sod off. I just want to look around anyway.  
  
JAMES: Can we buy more food?  
  
LILY: I suppose. You'll need Muggle money. We won't have another incident like last time.  
  
SIRIUS: That was not an incident. It was an experiment.  
  
REMUS: Well then, lets get moving then. Intermission won't last forever, unfortunately. 


	8. Intermission

At The Opera By Rainsong  
  
A/N: I'm a pathetic human, I really am. It took me this long to get out a new chapter, and this one is rather crappy. I prostrate myself before you all in apology and awe of your patience with me. And, as my inbox has reminded me, I STILL have fans. Thanks so much to everyone who has waited for this update, and especially to Akurei for use of the word promiscuous (I'll soon have a plug here for her up-and-coming Sirius fic, stay tuned!), Alexandrea Riddle, and the rest of the Official Rainsong Fan Club. ( You're all so flattering!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. It's not mine in any way, shape, or form. I just write these pointless fanfics to satiate my thirst for MWPP/L.  
  
Intermission II  
  
SIRIUS: Wow.  
  
JAMES: Wow what?  
  
SIRIUS: The lobby. It's really..  
  
REMUS: Shimmering and bright?  
  
SIRIUS: Thanks, Remington. I was going to say "Pretty sparklies!" but your way was better.  
  
LILY: It's an old opera house; they're often decked out this way. Most of this is really 24-karat gold, and that chandelier over there-  
  
SIRIUS: *yawns*  
  
LILY: Unimpressed, Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: If I had a K'nut for every painted ceramic swan I've seen tonight, I'd be shockingly rich right now.  
  
REMUS: It's an old opera house; some of these pieces are priceless treasures.  
  
SIRIUS: That's what they want you to think. I could have painted these things.  
  
LILY: If nothing else, they're festive.  
  
SIRIUS: Crepe paper is festive. Ceramic swans are unlawful.  
  
LILY: So how would you decorate the lobby, Sirius, since you appear to be so knowledgeable on the science of interior design?  
  
SIRIUS: Perhaps a large fountain in the middle, low lighting, crushed velvet loveseats littered everywhere-  
  
LILY: That sounds like a bordello!  
  
SIRIUS: Of course it does. That's the point. Everything here is shiny and possessing of a peculiar odor already. Might as well give it all some purpose.  
  
JAMES: And if he were in a bordello, he'd get bonuses like scantily clad women and liquor. Here we have pompous elderly people wearing putrid mink coats.  
  
SIRIUS: Exactly. This is no place to practice my rampant promiscuity.  
  
LILY: You're not promiscuous.  
  
SIRIUS: I assure you I am. Just last week, in the broom closet next to Transfiguration-  
  
LILY: So you've had a few hot snog sessions. That doesn't make you promiscuous.  
  
SIRIUS: If you had let me finish the story about the broom closet, Lils, you may have had a very different opinion on that one.  
  
LILY: You'd be lying.  
  
SIRIUS: You have no proof of that. Prongs!  
  
JAMES: You rang?  
  
SIRIUS: Tell Lily how promiscuous and slutty I am.  
  
JAMES: With all do respect, Dr. Love, I think I'd be the first to know if you were getting any, and as I haven't-  
  
SIRIUS: That's preposterous, James! You place yourself on such a pedestal? I think it's obvious to all of us that I'd be sharing my sexual escapades with Peter.  
  
PETER: *chokes*  
  
SIRIUS: Peter has much more insight on such things. I would never share my adventures with you hormone-crazed, unfeeling barbarians.  
  
LILY: Ahem?  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, as if that doesn't include you, Miss "James and I Stepped Out for Fresh Air"?  
  
LILY: I'm certainly not an unfeeling barbarian.  
  
SIRIUS: Would you like to see my ice cube scars?  
  
PETER: Ice cube scars?  
  
REMUS: Remember when Sirius and Lily had that argument over-  
  
SIRIUS: We decided never to speak of it again, remember?  
  
REMUS: Oh, right. Well, they had that argument over that thing, and somehow Lily ended up viciously pummeling Sirius with ice cubes from the balcony of the Astronomy Tower.  
  
JAMES: We mentioned it briefly after Sirius and Lily were bickering a few minutes ago.  
  
PETER: Oh, right, I remember that. And this pummeling you speak of, it was really terrible enough to earn the title of 'vicious'?  
  
SIRIUS: I repeat - would you like to see my ice cube scars?  
  
LILY: Oh, how ridiculous. Ice cubes do not leave scars.  
  
SIRIUS: When thrown at that speed, I think mashed potatoes could leave scars.  
  
LILY: Have it your way.  
  
SIRIUS: Thanks for that, don't mind if I do?  
  
JAMES: Are we really going to buy anything while we're here? Or shall we wait for Snack Man to return?  
  
LILY: The queues are atrocious; I think we should head back to the seats and wait it out.  
  
SIRIUS: But-  
  
LILY: No buts. We're going back.  
  
SIRIUS: But Lils, look at all of these funny Muggles, couldn't we-  
  
LILY: No.  
  
*Lily grabs Sirius's wrist, drags him all the way to the box*  
  
JAMES: Padfoot, as much as I enjoy your company, what on earth are you doing?  
  
LILY: Who cares? Sirius, move back to your seat.  
  
REMUS: What's going on?  
  
LILY: Sirius just decided to plop himself down into a seat between James and I.  
  
REMUS: Point being?  
  
LILY: I want to sit next to James!  
  
SIRIUS: I have to chaperone this outing somehow. We don't want any hanky- panky monkey business now, do we? Come on, Remington, this is the sort of thing you'd appreciate.  
  
JAMES: Maybe if we ignore him, he'll go away.  
  
LILY: And if he doesn't?  
  
JAMES: We move him.  
  
LILY: Like, just pick him up and dump him elsewhere, or will it involve a subtle plan?  
  
SIRIUS: I wouldn't go with the subtle plan option if you're conspiring with James for this one.  
  
JAMES: Why not?  
  
SIRIUS: You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again".  
  
JAMES: *sputters*  
  
SIRIUS: You'd find a way to make it blatantly obvious. You're just not cunning that way.  
  
JAMES: Oh, and you should have been sorted into Slytherin?  
  
SIRIUS: Hardly. But at least I can make an underhanded plot work properly. You stand there and sweat profusely and blink too much when interrogated.  
  
JAMES: I do not.  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, you do. I'll take a picture of it sometime. Title it "Nervous Paranoid Schizophrenic with Rabid Weasel in Trousers". It'll be a smash.  
  
JAMES: I'll get you back if you do.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, how? I never do anything remotely embarrassing, and if I did, it certainly wouldn't be in front of you.  
  
JAMES: Come to think of it, I can't think of anything humiliating you do regularly. Odd, my memory must be failing me.  
  
SIRIUS: Either that, or I'm some sort of demigod.  
  
LILY: I know plenty of embarrassing things Sirius does.  
  
REMUS: Oh, like what? I do enjoy these conversations.  
  
LILY: He talks in his sleep.  
  
SIRIUS: How would you know that?  
  
LILY: Easy, I've watched you sleep.  
  
JAMES: .Is this one of those stories that you both refer to but never explain entirely? Because I'd really like to know-  
  
SIRIUS: Case closed until further notice, Prongs. So, Lily, what do I say when I'm sleeping?  
  
LILY: You talk about bizarre things. Like cactuses on the Underground, and Professor McGonagall's hair.  
  
SIRIUS: Liar.  
  
LILY: I am most certainly not lying. And, most fascinating of all, sometimes when the moon is just right, and you haven't slept in days, I hear you shouting "Not the ice cubes!" into the still of the dormitories.  
  
SIRIUS: That is such bollocks!  
  
JAMES: How come we've never heard this, as Sirius is in our dormitory?  
  
LILY: I'm a light sleeper. You all wouldn't be bothered if the Apocalypse crashed down upon the East Wing.  
  
SIRIUS: No, I suppose with you around, the Apocalypse is only a minor inconvenience.  
  
LILY: You're just bitter because I know that you talk in your sleep.  
  
SIRIUS: How can I be bitter about something that you've obviously made up?  
  
LILY: I did not make it up.  
  
JAMES: We'll have to randomly select a night to record these outbursts. You up for it, Moony?  
  
REMUS: *silence*  
  
PETER: Remus?  
  
REMUS: I've been waiting for this for so long. So long..  
  
JAMES: Is anyone else sort of disturbed by the way Moony's talking right now?  
  
REMUS: Sorry, it's just that.. we can blackmail Sirius now.  
  
SIRIUS: No you can't.  
  
REMUS: But, yes, we can! For the rest of eternity if it so pleases us, because you'd rather be eaten by a hippogriff than have the entire Great Hall hear you muttering about McGonagall's hair at breakfast!  
  
JAMES: This is so innovative. Thank you, Lily dearest. You've saved our future.  
  
LILY: Anytime. Besides, he's really exaggerated the ice cube incident.  
  
SIRIUS: I can't believe this. You've all turned against me.  
  
REMUS: Not turned against you. Just making sure that the next time you decide that one of our humiliating incidents need to be brought into the fray, we can gently remind you that we will cast a Recording Spell on the clock by your bed so that when we wake up, we will have your fanciful mutterings to replay again, and again, and again!  
  
SIRIUS: There's nothing better than a friend, is there?  
  
LILY: No, unless that friend has chocolate.  
  
SIRIUS: Well, I think we all know who will not be getting any chocolate tonight.  
  
LILY: I could do without the saturated fat anyway. Besides, I'm tired.  
  
SIRIUS: And we all know it's impossible to eat chocolate after going to an opera, because it's so enthralling you're positively worn out and no longer in the mood for such things.  
  
LILY: That, and chocolate will just raise my sugar levels, and I won't want to go to sleep. I'll just start to talk and never stop, long after you've made your first attempt at a bit of shut-eye.  
  
REMUS: I'm going to go on assuming that, in some twisted way, you're talking about chocolate in it's sweet, cacao bean-derived form.  
  
SIRIUS: What else would we be talking about?  
  
REMUS: Nevermind, nevermind.  
  
PETER: Not to bring this up again, but Sirius never moved back to his original seat.  
  
JAMES: No, he didn't, did he? I decided to ignore it. He'll have enough to deal with once he steps out of line and we have to play our recording of his midnight mumblings.  
  
PETER: Wow, you've forgiven Sirius?  
  
JAMES: Erm..yes.  
  
PETER: What I mean is, you don't do that very often.  
  
JAMES: Yeah, I do. I've been forgiving Sirius since he insulted my hair five minutes into our friendship. Can't help it, really.  
  
PETER: Oh, I never thought about that before.  
  
JAMES: No, I suppose you wouldn't.  
  
SIRIUS: And why wouldn't Wormtail be thinking about our complex minglings at every possible opportunity?  
  
REMUS: Shockingly, sometimes people have thoughts completely unrelated to you, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: *gasps* Not Wormtail!  
  
REMUS: Why not Wormtail?  
  
SIRIUS: Because Wormtail has a very precise mission, and it is to hang out with us. What would the poor old chap be without the three of us?  
  
JAMES: I must admit, not the human being we see before us.  
  
PETER: ..I suppose.  
  
SIRIUS: I'm bored.  
  
LILY: You're always bored. That's what makes events like these so enjoyable.  
  
SIRIUS: That's because you live to torture me. You delight in my pain. You're a crazed, sadistic nutter with high heels.  
  
LILY: Not really. I just love to watch you squirm.  
  
JAMES: Well, so do I, but I still think this opera's a bit much.  
  
LILY: I completely agree. But none of us are as restless as Sirius. While we're all sighing, occasionally rolling our eyes, he's ready to tear the walls down with his bare hands. That's the beauty of it.  
  
JAMES: That really puts it in perspective. Thanks, Lil.  
  
LILY: Think nothing of it.  
  
SIRIUS: I don't think it's very funny. I want to move around. I want to do something. I want to watch the entire stage ablaze with bright orange flames destroying every portion of this unbelievable opera.  
  
LILY: Yes, well, we can't have everything we want, can we?  
  
SIRIUS: No, because it's really selfish of me to want to save all of our brains from this psychological deterioration.  
  
LILY: Now you're sounding exasperated. Calm down. It'll be over soon.  
  
SIRIUS: All right.  
  
JAMES: Why is it that Lily's the only one that can pacify Sirius in these situations? I mean, it can't be her calming voice, because when she's talking normally you still have the sound of high-pitched screeching in your ears.  
  
REMUS: Perhaps it's like the ice cube incident. We just don't speak of it.  
  
JAMES: That's terribly unfair.  
  
REMUS: Knowing Sirius and Lily, perhaps it's for the best.  
  
SIRIUS and LILY: Ahem.  
  
JAMES: I'm sorry, were we talking about the two of you when you weren't pay attention?  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, and I would hope you're aware of how aggravating that is.  
  
LILY: The least you could do is bash our emotionally taxing mysteriousness when we're around.  
  
JAMES: So you can argue it?  
  
LILY: No, because Sirius is sitting closer to you now than I am, so if I feel the need to throttle you, I can let him do it for me. It's an energy- saving mechanism.  
  
JAMES: Why am I not comforted?  
  
A/N: There you have it, Chapter 8! I'll get started on Chapter 9 as soon as the inspiration strikes, which may be sooner or later, I'm not sure yet. I hope this one wasn't total crap.  
  
Edited to add: Upon rereading, it seems that the general interpretation of this chapter is that it's infested with Lily/Sirius shipping. My apologies, was not meant to be that way. Perhaps I felt so emotionally drained after OotP, I was feeling needy. I craved some dark, angsty romance. And, completely unknowingly, I inserted it here. Kinda like season five Buffy and Spike. Lo siento. However, kudos to whoever can find the blatant sexual metaphor!  
  
Also, Sirius's comment to James about subtle plans dancing on harpsichords and such is from Blackadder. Forgot to credit that one last time. 


End file.
